Revolutionary Road

The only night time sounds come from the road named after some famous lawyer. Drivers pretending to be invincible, cruse in and out of earshot. Meanwhile the General convenience store sits opposite the fast food joint, both staring at each other in loathing competition. The parking lot which separates the two looks like a stage, illuminated from the bright street lamps overhead. I sit here on my tinny balcony watching, waiting for performers to dart from the sides with hats and cookie cutter smiles, singing a generic tune that will stir up that deep-seated desire to want. And there they come! Like lost souls. Slowly. They emerge from the sides. Some meander in an out of consciousness, while others in and out of the garbage disposals. Some walk up and down the front street, aimless, empty. Slowly. Times has no say and neither does anyone else about what you do or how you should live your life. Bang! Exclaims the furious sedan in disapproval. And the crescent-shaped moon smiles down on our performance, wondering what strange dissatisfied creatures we are.

I just saw the movie “Revolutionary Road”. Brilliant!
This is what I love about art and artists. They take us out of the water and shows us what we are swimming in. Some could argue that it is just a movie, or it is just a story but then what is the point of writing these stories or making these movies if not to awaken us and stir us out of oblivion.
Is society a trap or is it just “normal”. The moral of the story…you only have one chance to live the way you want. Or do we? Choice. Decisions. April in the movie says “We are special, we are out of the ordinary and we want to get out”. The actors demonstrate such dissatisfaction with the way we live, which is basically like everyone else. But then what is the right way of living? What more do we want? We want to be like everyone else and yet we want to be different. The director of the movie says that Frank is too scared to change and live the way he really wants, which is representative of most of us. Is that true? He also says that despite the story being set in the 50’s it illustrates a universal unrest. It shows the way most people live their lives. Is that true? Are we really so afraid? If so what are we afraid of? What are we afraid of?!
A woman the other day asked in response to my comment that families should be more involved in their children’s lives, “Should someone dictated the way families should live? Everyone should feel free to live the way they want. Yes. But, what about all that is unsaid. What about, as psychology puts it: schemas and social scripts? Regardless of who decides how we should live, the fact of the matter is that there are unsaid rules which exist and are enacted every day all the time. As April says in the movie “What are all these rules? who makes these rules that we have to live by?”
What a paradoxical, controversial and complex society we live in.
What do we want? We seem to have everything. We seem to seek what we want but when we have it, we are not satisfied. Can we ever be satisfied? Is it better to live wanting or is better to fall into the cycle of want, have, want, have.
Going places…Romanticizing, fantasizing, creating better lives. Hesitation. Who are we? What are we? Have we made this world too complex to live in?

Everything I thought, is not and everything that is, is neither…

For the past three years of my life, I have been searching. I moved and traveled far and wide, across and around the world, in and out of countries and peoples lives, searching for something. I try this and I try that, hoping that through the chaos and the conglomeration of experiences, I will find what I am looking for. Yet, the more I search, the more lost I become. I am like a soft, smooth, sand rock, that has been dislodged from the beach and thrown back into the ocean only to be banged up and altered by the waves. “Mais vous qui n’avez pas les os en verre, vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie.” (Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amelie Poulain) Oui c’est bien vraie, mais a force de se cogner, on ne se reconnait plus. And that’s what happened. I have banged myself against life so much that I have been disfigured. I don’t recognize who I am anymore nor what to do, nor where to go next.

There was a time when I was excited and hopeful. I thought that if I didn’t find what I was looking for, I would keep searching. The more distant and abstract the place, the better. I got excited and enraptured when I found and fell in love with something or someone. But like everything, nothing lasts. I pushed so far and so wide and so fast that I eventually lost myself in the process. When I realized what was happening, I went back to the place I came from only to find familiar ghosts. I then buried myself in the moment, forcing myself to just be. But how can you be when your mind, heart and body are scattered all over the place?

So what now? I can’t be, I can’t go back. “Chose the road less traveled”. Again good advice. The only problem is that I just don’t see ANY roads. I am walking ahead making my own. But I am scared, lonely, hesitant, frustrated and…feeling very empty. Everything I though, is not and everything that is, is neither…

Voices of Incarcerated Survivors of Domestic Violence

"I am my worst nightmare."
"He dragged me across the floor by my hair and then raped me with a gun."
"I was in hysterics and I tell you what, if there was one thing that guaranteed a beating, it was being hysterical."
"He beat me so bad, I miscarried. After leaving me for two days, he came back dumped a baby in my lap. I knew it wasn't mine and I knew it was wrong, but it was the only positive thing I had. So I kept it. Two days later, I found the baby's real mother, shoved in our basement. Dead."
"I woke up in the middle of the night and to my horror, his head was between my legs. Scared as I was, I waited until he left."
"The only time we ever worked as a couple was when we were both high on methamphetamine."
"I needed to protect my children, so I took the beating."
"He was my one true love. We belonged together. I hoped he would understand how much I loved him, so I let him."
"Why didn't I tell the police right away? He threatened to burn my family's house down. I knew what he was capable of. I knew he would so I didn't know what to do."
"He knew exactly how long it took me to go to the store. If it took me longer, I got the crap beaten out of me so bad. So if there were three people in line, I dropped the groceries and left. Either way I got a beating so, I preferred to show up on time with no groceries."
"I have never felt safe, except in prison."
"I wasn't even safe from the beatings in public. He had complete control over me."
" You see these two front teeth? They are fake. I knocked them out and broke my nose from having a bad nightmare about him."
"He forced me to have sex with our son. If I didn't he would kill him."
"He pushed me down a flight of stairs at a restaurant. There was a man an his wife, who saw it happened. The man made a motion to help me, but the woman turned and said 'it's not our business and left".

"Is there a message you would like us to carry out of here for you?

" Yes. If you see domestic violence in public, it is your business. If you see it happen DO something. You never know what the situation is"

Fairies

Her thoughts like her body were restless. Tossing and turning, exercising the memories, the faces in and out of her mind, her body in unison with the earth radiated heat and heaviness. Feeling suffocated, she stepped outside hoping a slight breeze would calm her overheated brain and bring her the wave of sleep she so desired. As she stepped out into the darkness, she daringly walked out to the middle of the field in front of her house and stood there half frightened, half relieved by this pleasant distraction. The smell of sweet wild grass, dry earth and distant rain filled the air. The echoing salute from the freight trains orchestrated with the wild hum of the crickets was enough to quite her chaotic consciousness and calm her soul. As her eyes adjusted to the world around, star-like lights began to paint the horizon and before she knew it, a performance of twinkling lights danced before her in a haze above the ground. It was as if someone had sprinkled fairy dust upon the landscape and hand picked stars from the sky and let them run wild upon the ground. Some came inches away from her nose, while others floated in and out of view. The splendor of this display filled her with joy, leaving her spell bound. Happiness is found in the simple things.

Fear

It is dark outside. I am in the passengers seat driving 85 Miles an hour on a road where wildlife is fleeting and the only lights are the ones emitted from the derriere’s of fairy-like fire flies. I am scared. “Stop being so frightened! Tame your imagination” says the person in the drivers seat. The words echo in my head as I find my body tensing in preparation for the fight or flight response. My eyes dart from one side of the road to the other and my mind is trying desperately to grasp onto sanity and composure. Before I know it, another sign of light appears. As it cracks across the dark sky, my pulse only quickens and my thoughts race as fast as the car. “Calm down” says the better part of my mind. “She knows what she is doing. She has been driving on these roads for three years now. Moreover, I have sat in this passengers seat for over 22 years and we have never had an accident. Trust and faith”. “But she did have a glass of wine. Maybe she is not as alert as usual. What if an animal leaps out form the side of the road? A rabbit, a rodent, a dear, a monster! And what if we skid and crash, or skid, topple over and then crash, or skid, crash, topple over and fall into a ravine with snakes and jagged deadly rocks, isolated with no one to come to out rescue, while a storm rages over are heads and lightening strikes the care setting it on fire, and the winds build and form a gigantic tornado ready to engulf us and everything we ever knew...”

So I would like to pause here and first say that Ohio is as flat as a pancake. There are no ravines, or monsters for that matter. As a matter of fact there is very little out here that could be harmful. So why does my mind race and come to such terrifying and extraordinary conclusions and scenarios? Fear is an interesting thing that I have a hard time understanding and controlling. As much as I try and rationalize a situation, using scientific, rational or spiritual thought processes, there is part of my mind that somehow is too overwhelmed to function properly and cannot flick the switch from fantasy into reality. I have become better at acknowledging the building fear and controlling it before it gets out of control. But sometimes it takes over and plays tricks and sometimes is all encompassing to the point where I become ridiculous. I hope it gets better with time…